Love, Evolution & Resilience

Yesterday got a little messy. Ok, it got a lot messy. I work as a social worker in an assisted housing unit. The guys I work with are all quirky wonderful dudes with afflictions like schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder along with addictions to alcohol/crack or gambling. Needless to say they are all kinds of fun. Anyway, after dinner last night there were these chocolates… ahhhhh shoot. Y’all know what happened so I’m not gonna say it. My ‘justification’ at the time was that I was bonding with my guys. Of course this bonding doesn’t answer the call to reason as to why I ate the brownie but…

So then in my incredible wisdom I thought I could get into the colonics spa and have the day ‘washed’ away so to speak, but no such luck; no appointments available until next Wednesday!

I am on it women! I won’t let you down. Breakfast was strawberries and Bran with Yogurt and a protein packed coffee. Lunch and dinner will be right on target. I promise. UGGG! What was I thinking?!

Today is a fantastic day! Day one with the new trainer! So, when I first got to the gym I was really excited. I wanted to work out in the weight room with the big boys… my thought was that I’d be bench pressing huge weight and looking like my husband! LOL! So out comes my trainer, big smiles and tells me to warm up… I figured that was coming. So after 5 minutes on the treadmill, Eileen (my new trainer) has me doing balancing acts on the bosu ball and skipping rope, and sliding and gliding! OMG! It was totally not what I expected… it was so much better! What I had thought I wanted probably was unrealistic. I like this feeling of being challenged and growing. She even had me doing some yoga poses! I see her again on Thursday; in the meantime she has prescribed some outdoor walking for tomorrow and some more stretching and balancing. I feel good about this. I feel like I have a trainer who is focused on me.  I am investing in me today, investing in my body. This feels good!

It’s official… I’m a freakin’ Wildcat! WOO HOO! Who’d of thought it would feel so good to be connected to something like this?! It does! And just in time as tomorrow is my first day with the new trainer at the gym! I know that everything happens how it should and I am really looking forward to this!

Now all I have to do is get through the rest of this shift at work. UGGG.

Starting over, and loving it. Started with Bran Buds and Yogurt along side my Protein mixed in my coffee; throw in the Greens mix (Greens, Chlorophyll and Bee Pollen) and I’ve had my self a really great breakfast. I forgot how much I loved having a great start, I forgot how much I loved Greens, I forgot how good it feels to wake up and think about doing something good for me! Breakfast is never my weak point however. I’m a night snacker and from reading some of you, I see I’m in good company. I’m feeling positive and am working towards my goals. One step at a time I guess! I made an appointment for Tuesday morning with my trainer, did groceries after yoga and pottery with the hubby yesterday, made an appointment to see the massage guy for the 20^th of June (just a little reward for me… for sticking to my plan… yes I am that determined not to fail).

I took a look at what worked for me in the past and I know that writing here helped. I have to do this for me, in the way that works for me. So here we go… day one has begun and I’m feeling alright!

Where does the energy come from? I’ve avoided these words for months, unable or unwilling to allow myself to dig deep and pull something out that soothes me. Yet here I am feeling like I could take on the world, and wanting to write it all down, wanting to remember, wanting to be reminded. There is a deep knowing, deep in the very crevices of my soul that I have managed or attempted to avoid for far too long. This knowing tells me that if I just dove in and made the commitment to stay connected that all the answers I’ve ever looked for would become blazingly apparent and still, somehow unnecessary.

Sun shines in my cut glass office window and displays rainbow bright lights all over the floor this time of day. Several people have commented on just how beautiful this really is; this display seems a gift today. The old Italian guy just a few doors South of us has his backyard smoke house going today; the winds must be travelling North as I can smell it, I can almost breathe it in. This smell adds to this feeling of energy and beauty and accomplishment, and gratitude. I wonder what sort of meat he is smoking out today, and I secretly wish he takes his time and keeps the fires going today; if only so that I can bask in this feeling of freedom and security. I do love the smell of fire burning; be it wood or sage, either one makes me feel closer to my idea of heaven.

Athena and I had some catching up to do and so we spent an afternoon hanging out, drinking (not so wonderful, although Athena simply loved it) coffee and talking. I believe friends remind you of the things you have in your life to be grateful for. Your friends are often the reflection of where you are at, where you were, or where you are headed. To be loved unconditionally is one of those overused and highly misunderstood phrases but every once in a while I catch a glimpse of this and I feel blessed. I see it in my husband, I see it in Athena… I see it and I am grateful.

As for the weight loss/healthy lifestyle issues… Well, it was suggested that I take some time sifting and feeling through all of the attempts I’ve made in my life, the attempts at getting thin (and staying thin). See, I’ve been losing and gaining the same 50 or 60lbs for years. So here’s my list… a. Dr. B Diet, b. Jenny Craig (and Jenny Crack - which worked fantasticly 80lbs in 4 months without even trying, but far to expensive — cost me my job, my partner, you know), c. Weight Watchers, d. Hypnosis, e. Overeaters Anonymous (and several other 12 step oriented therapies), f. acupuncture, g. 3 meals a day, h. 6 meals a day (which included protein supplements, greens supplements, bee pollen and chlorophyll), AND i. various other attempts to simply eliminate bad foods. 

So, you know where I had the most success and felt the best? When I was eating 5 or 6 small meals a day and supplementing with all that other healthy jazz. Of course I was also going to the gym on a regular basis then. I think it had more to do with feeling like I was taking an active roll in my health, an active roll in my life. I wasn’t focused on weight loss then, I was focused on what I was doing for my body, not what my body looked like.

So that shall be where I start… all over again, but still. Today, I am going to send my trainer an email (hopefully she’ll remember me… lol), then I am going to finish out my day at work, hit the library, stop and pick up some chloraphyll, and head home to cook. Having cooked meals ready and on hand makes the rest of my life so much easier. Here we go folks… one more time. OH, and today is the perfect day to start, I have yoga in the morning… that should help.

Some time ago, I stopped sneaking back into the bedroom to kiss BB goodbye before I left for work. I work early mornings every other week, and he always works late night. I just stopped, not sure why; it probably seemed silly to wake him to kiss him good bye when he had only just laid his head down four hours prior. This morning however, I couldn’t resist. I quietly creaked back in. I was slightly taken aback at what I found. There, lying in my bed was this muscular form, with the most perfectly rounded ass. *Blink blink*. Yeah, that’s him. I stood for a minute, waiting for him to fart or pick his nose or do something that would assure me it was him. I waited. He didn’t sound off any trumpets or wipe snot on his pillow, so I took a closer look. Yep, it was him alright. When did my goofy husband turn into this DUDE? Is this the same guy that refuses to floss and so sometimes walks around with food in his teeth after we’ve eaten? Is this the same guy that still thinks farting and blaming it on the cat is funny? Is this the same guy that asks me to check for ‘bats in the cave’ and then looks up to the stars displaying the insides of his nostrils for all the world to see? (Hey Jessica Rabbit… sounds familiar eh?) Is this the same guy that wears his brand new white socks up the hallway of our apartment building every time, even though I tell him ‘those floors are flippen filthy, put your shoes on’. Is this the same guy that leaves his dirty socks and underwear in the living room? Holy shit, it is… it really is.

Ain’t he sexy! I think so.

To think that he loves me, even though I battle with myself almost daily over weight and my own bloody food choices. I asked him if he was sick to death yet of listening to me, you know the complaining and crying and never really being able to foot two feet in, always keeping one out. He told me he could never get tired of listening to me, that his only wish was that I would learn to love myself.

Yeah, me too! And I’m working on it. One step at a time, one moment at a time. Learning to treat me well. Learning to love me. Learning to feed me wholesome and healthy stuff instead of empty, calorie dense, emotionally deteriorating food. One foot in front of the other…

That’s it.

Saturday night was an incredible night. Red took me to see Giselle, performed by the National Ballet of Canada. I am finding it greatly difficult to describe to you exactly how beautiful this perfomance really is, truly awe inspiring. For the most part the dancers are flawless in movement and form. There muscular forms look as though carved out of stone. When the Orchestra began to warm up, just those brief moments before the show I was taken back to happier times when I was quite young. I remembered the feeling of being in the audience, when my Aunt took me to see Nutcracker. For a brief moment I remembered being happy. The Ballet is both beautiful and moving.

I also realized last night that I am no ones’ Gibraltar. I am human, with human hurts and human needs. I can not be there always for anyone, and sometimes I need to have people be there for me. I realize I often spend so much time trying to be so good at listening and being there for people that when I need a hug or a shoulder it’s not readily available. This is not to say that I don’t have incredible friends and great listeners of my own, I do. I guess its just about balance.

Thank God for my husband. He has to listen through all the confusion and the hurt… lol Poor bugger!

Sometimes growth isn’t really pretty for me. In fact, sometimes growth makes me want to hide my head in some pile of chocolate flavored sand. Kind of like Friday night when I realized that I have a completely distorted attachment to values, or what is acceptable in my life and what isn’t. As I watched myself allow some important boundaries be crossed without much thought about how I could change the situation or end it, and then just a short while later became enraged over boundaries that were really not of any consequence and probably had more to do with reaction over hurt feelings, all I could think was… ‘Oh God, how embarrassing is this’. I am in this moment, a walking contradiction. I am scared and changing, and unsure of how everything is supposed to fit. Suddenly some of my pieces no longer fit in my puzzle. It feels like the puzzle I’ve been doing for years over and over again, the one I can put together with my eyes closed, out of nowhere has foreign pieces and the picture isn’t the same. There is this rumbling feeling in my feet and my gut, this feeling tells me that big changes are happening and that all is well. This feeling brings me a sense of wellness, of commitment and pride. Then there is this other feeling in my hands and my stomach that screams for someone to stop rocking the boat. My hands feel as though they need to reach out and grab on to something to slow them down, to brace them, to stop this change from happening. These feet still however are running towards this new change wanting to arrive, wanting to see what life will be like once we reach where we’re going, excited about the process. And my mind, well shit, my mind is just as confused as a kitten on a merry-go-round, and just as seasick too.

These last couple weeks have been full, full in that rich life shoot if I ain’t blessed sorta way. Growth is never a bad thing, just occasionally overwhelming. Life is good. I love my job and my hub and I’m not complaining, I’m just trying to sort it all out.

Today is the first day of many to come. Today I have planned out what I am going to eat, it is nutritious and healthy and I did it for me, with me in mind. So here’s to brand new days, happy beginnings and being on the road to feeling better about self.

Hey buddies! This post might be a little sensitive for some. Yesterday I reached a bottom. I say ‘a’ bottom ’cause I’ve a had a few. Dope took me to a bottom, then it took me under my bottom and I had to scratch my way back up to my bottom; now food is doing the same… But I think I am getting it! So what you are about to read is the email I sent to my sponsor after picking myself up off the floor in my office at work (’cause I’d been crying and carrying on, feeling helpless and worthless). It was just after I said it all that I felt this emmense release. Then my sponsor called, and we’ve worked out a plan, and now for the first time in ages, I feel HOPE. I mean really really FEEL it.  So here it is…

Dearest Luce,

Hey woman! Ok, so my head is all over the place right now! Insanity at it’s finest. I don’t know where to start, so I’m just gonna go with it and see where I end up… ok? Be patient with me.

So there is this web site, ‘buddyslim’ and I blog there sometimes, and I started it with all the intentions in the world of finding a support network, you know ‘wonderful women’ who will get me… Now, don’t get me wrong, I am sure they are there, but all I find are women with hard core motives and motivation, chicks who don’t believe in excuses… which of course is everything I want but I can’t seem to wrap my head around the idea of getting to the gym or doing something that severe with my life. I don’t wanna run four miles a day today. And I feel like such a loser in their presence ’cause I’m not all bubbling over with ‘yeah I just lost another four pounds’ and yes I am jealous ’cause I so want to be one of them.

And then there is this abscess thing that is growing on the lower part of my tummy. I’ve had one a time or two before and doc says it’s infection in the fat cells (which if I’m not careful could lead to cellulitis) and then all I can do is get angry ’cause I’m not THAT fat. I’m 5′5″ at 190 or so pounds, I mean… it’s not like I’m hitting 250. And shit Jody is 5′1″ and she’s already over 200 and she looks SOOOOOOOOO good all the time… I mean how fair is that?! And doc says that my body just doesn’t handle being overweight well and that I’d better keep that in mind.

I can’t seem to find the energy I need in order to plan out tomorrows food and I sure don’t feel like cooking so that I have meals prepared ahead of time. And the whole thing on Monday was really easy, it was just that one of my guys at work had a birthday and there was this really amazing looking cake and of course I had to have some, and then some more, and then I find myself sneaking it so that the guys wouldn’t see me doing it. And then I’m stopping on the way home to pick up more shit, and Oh, I forgot to mention that I ate what was left of the shit for the birthday cake. And fuck me…… I could go on and on and on.

Even as I write this all I can think about is who I can send to the store for me. I’m heart broken and angry and all I wanna do is cry but I don’t know how to start or stop or what the fuck to do with it. My head hurts and it’s spinning round and round and round. And I want everyone to know how much this hurts but fuck I don’t want to tell anyone. And I don’t know how to make the people around me understand how serious this is or how much this kills my spirit. And I’m so used to being tough that I don’t want to appear vulnerable, and this other part of me says that I don’t really appear to be all that tough but instead people really see me for the fuckin’ pussy I really am and therefore I still shouldn’t share it ’cause people are probably sick to death of me already.

And I’m tired of being a victim and a martyr. But I don’t know any other way to do it. And I’m soooooo sick of fighting but I don’t know how else to make it stop. And I’m sooooo tired. I just want to get through to the next life, ’cause right now this one seriously sucks ass. And I work til 11 tonight, but I gotta be back for 9am tomorrow and then I’m supposed to have that freakin’ step study group, and then I have yoga on Saturday morning (takes me to noon) then Leona bought tickets for a show in Toronto for my birthday so  I imagine she’ll wanna leave early which will only leave me a few hours in between and I gotta work 10 - 6:30 on Sunday, and somewhere in between all of that I seriously need to clean my house and do my friggen laundry. And I know if I say screw it to one thing, then I’ll say screw it to everything and nothing will get done, but I feel so overwhelmed that I’m just not sure where to start.

I need a break. Talk Soon,

Dana

xoxoxo

Ok, and then there was this tiny little piece that I added.

Dearest Luce,

I just realized that part of my anger and upset and sadness comes from remebering when I was a kid and my mom used to get the same absesses on her thighs and her belly, and all I could think was how gross it was, and how disgusting she was, and how I was never gonna get that way. And I used to get so angry ’cause she would call me fat and tease me, but I knew she was too and she was way worse than me, ’cause I wasn’t as big as her, and I didn’t have those big ugly absesses.

Fuck, I’ve turned into mom.

LOL. That’ll teach me.
Dana

xo

Which brings me to today. I feel good. Not in that ‘hey I love myself’ kinda way, but good. Like I know where I’m headed and I know I’m gonna get there. I feel HOPE. I hope the rest of y’all do too. ~D

I smell. No, I’m not kidding. I think I’m coming down with something. Morning dragon breath has taken on a new level of low. I’m pondering the thought that maybe this is what they mean when they say growing old sucks. I’m mean, I’m ok with having to pluck my brows and chin, and I’m ok with having to get pedicures so that the leather straps across the bottoms of my feet stay somewhat human looking, but this morning dragon breath issue… this does not make me happy. And could someone tell me who the fuck ‘they’ are so that I can call one of them and get all of my blasted ridiculous questions answered. Is it wrong to want to call in sick so that you have time to stay home and groom yourself?

The guy is coming to spray for Ants today. We’re supposed to move all of the stuff out from under our counters; BB took care of half of that last night and stated that he would take care of the other this morning. This probably means that I’ll be in charge of putting it all away, which means we’ll probably have half our kitchen spread all over our house until sometime next week when I have time to put it all away. I do not handle chaos well. Maybe I’ll just pay the $40 to have someone else come in and clean this biatch for me. We’ll see. Is it wrong to want to call in sick so that you have time to stay home and clean your house?

I also have a headache now that has been lingering on for weeks. It’s rainy and foggy here today so maybe, just maybe that all has something to do with the nail gun that has moved into my head. There just isn’t enough Tylenol in the world folks. Here’s the other thing too… part of this could be simply that I have been binging off a little too much chocolate lately. It started at work on Monday as it was birthday for one of my guys and it just kept going. Shit, who am I kidding chocolate is a problem for me period. I am working on it. Just be slacking lately. Sugar always gives me headaches. Is it wrong to want to call in sick so that you have time to stay home and detox from the mass amounts of sugar you ingest?

None of my clothes fit, again. Ok, well, some of my clothes fit, but the truth is I have a closet full of some really nice shit that I seldom wear ’cause my weight keeps rising, then I’ll ‘get on to me’ and it’ll start to fall again, but then it comes back… over and over. Lately I’ve been working really hard at accepting the fact that I truly am an addict in every sense of the word (believe me I know this), and food is really my biggest pain in the ass right now (both literally and figuratively speaking); I’m just so scared to start to make changes. I am afraid that I will end up looking at it like a diet again, and I don’t want to do that! I’ve got the tools; I just need to keep at it one day at a time, one moment at a time. Is it wrong to want to call in sick so that you have time to stay home and strategically plan a way in which to conquer the sugar monkey residing on ones back?

Apparently I am going to work today… maybe all I was really looking for was a way out of that!

One more time… Good God! How many times have I said those three words? I’m just too tired to even talk about it right now. Where do you start when you are too tired to start over. Maybe it’s time to just give in and buy shares at Sarah Lee or Duncan Hines. Still, I don’t want to give up. I want to stand up and fight! I want to fell full up with gratitude. I want a new way of looking at the world. I want healthy thoughts and a loving heart when it comes to my ass and my thighs. I want to love me for all that I am instead of disconnecting from me for all the excess I got! So here we go, one more time. Didn’t someone say that it doesn’t matter how many times you fall as long as you get back up again? So, back up I get. One more time.